I try over and over again to write what i feel. My brain moves too fast. Ive over analyzed many things. All i ever want to know is WHY? And with you especially. WHY? You had a thought. Why? What did i do to generate that thought? Did someone else? You thought about it more and more… Why? Was it really that bad? You had all these fucking friends.
Friends that i didn’t feel like i could get close to because how dare i have a friend remotely as close as you. I kept my distance because i didn’t think YOU wanted me around anymore but never would i have ever thought what you thought. Should i have tried to be in your inner circle when i should have already? Its like you were embarrassed by me. You let it be over before you gave me a chance. Why? Because you started to and it hurt too much so i get no say? Its just done? I need you to understand something, love, i needed you. I fucking needed you and you needed me too but instead of trying to make it work you fucking shit on it. How am i suppose to feel anything after that!?! I am dead because i loved you for who you were and i sat stagnate because i saw changes in you happening everyday and dwelled on our greater moments together i saw your “growth”… All i needed was you. And i still need you and i know you need me. Im not sorry for this distance… I didn’t create it, i saw it unfold. You pulled the trigger. And after that my heart keep unfortunately beating and my thoughts became a plague eating me alive. “I would rather be dead.” Those are my most frequent thoughts. Day in day out. It may not be you’re fault and i would never say it is but damn it you made a hefty contribution. I love you so much… But you will never see not unless you’re as broken as me.
im poor ill try it
ooohhh i have to try this
I don’t go out because i don’t want to meet people. I don’t go out because I’m terrified of getting closer with someone. Because I’ve been torn apart over and over… I don’t think i can handle having friends again and then our friendship falling apart. I would die.
I don’t think ill know what to do once i get my own store. Ill leave Castleton and the life I’ve known for four and a half years now. My life and my friends are here. I just cant start over from that…
I suppose i hate november and thanksgiving because of everything I’ve allowed my dumb ass self to go through. Im not thankful for much but i am thankful for Hayla Nick and Ryan. Hayla has been my best friend for ten years now. She and i both know I’m an idiot and I’m thankful she loves me anyways. Nick is the most loving amazing boyfriend and best friend i could ask for. Ryan, even though we don’t talk that much anymore, is still my great friend even though we both know i don’t deserve to ever even hear his voice after everything I’ve put him through. Im thankful for my mom and my brother noah. Im thankful for my job. Working at hot topic has been the only thing in the world keeping me pulled together and strong. Though i cant be friends with the people i work with i still appreciate them. They know how retarded and crazy i am on all sorts of levels. Im especially thankful for the most amazing, patient boss, Nate.
Im bitter and angry with my self. I have been for a long time… but I’m thankful that I’m finally starting over new and that my life has been more smiles and laughter than yelling and being angry at everything.
Things have been slowing getting better for me. I used to have a terrible time with loneliness now i can handle it.
Nick and i are still going strong. Im happy that he finally called me his girlfriend last week and called me that again 2 nights ago. We still cant get enough of each other. I hate that he works so much but i think it helps keep the mystery alive and it is beautiful and refreshing. He always asks what and i always reply its nothing but recently it slipped out as its something…. But its nothin lol. I think words may be exchanged soon but I’m still not sure. I cant say it first. I wont say it first. I love to easily and i need to know its real from him. Actually i know its real i just have to hear him say it first even if it takes years.
WTF I CAN’T BREATHE OMFG WHAT IS THIS!?!@
the true story